Posts
Post # 104 - 1-19-06
Holy stabbing sore throat Batman!!!
OMG, it just hurts, and when I cough, it's horrible!! It's very red and swollen, but I'm not sure if it's got junk on my tonsils like usual, and I don't think it's strep. It just came on suddenly late yesterday and last night. By 8pm I had a fever over 100. I called my boss and told her there was no way I could come to work. Apparently everyone is getting the same thing. You'd think I'd have woken up with it yesterday, since I worked Tuesday, but not yesterday, kinda strange it came on after I'd been home all day. 
I hope my girlfriend that I had coffee with doesn't come down with it, she's leaving on a cruise on Friday! They got a really cheap rate, they are taking their 3 kids on a Carnival cruise in the gulf area. Yep, cheap rates, because there isn't going to be anything to see? I hope they have fun, thats what matters the most.
We're definitely going to Disney World. My DH's stipulation....I have to shoot a deer. Ummmmm no way in hell is that happening, but he's still going to DisneyWorld anyway!
I've been looking for things to book, we're going to do Universal 2 days, Seaworld 1 day, and get a 7 day park hopper for Disney. I'm thinking of surprising him with a day of deep sea fishing too. Thats one of the options you can pick, and he could just go and enjoy himself doing that one day, and I'll just lay by the pool, or go exploring by myself in the park. We've asked my sons friend if he wants to go and he was very excited! I told him, he'll just need spending money. Oh, another thing, my DH was so funny, I told him that I'd looked at costs for 2 rooms, to put the boys in a room by themselves...or that we could go cheaper and just pick one room, and he was like.....NO, book 2 rooms, I don't care how much more it costs! LOL So, I've been thinking the best way to buy everything, I think I'll just book everything as soon as we get our income tax money, that way it will all be paid for, and we can just save up the spending money and of course, feeding 4 people, the food money! I need to figure out how much we're going to need for food money for 4 of us, so I can make sure we have enough with us! I am sooooo excited about this!!! I've never really wanted anything like this, and I can't wait!! I've been wanting to go there since I was a kid, and never got too, and as an adult, we could never afford it either. This is our first year to really be able to do what we want that we don't really have to care about money when we go! OHHHHH, I'M SO EXCITED!!!! WOOOHOOOO!!!
Ok, enough about that, I'll just keep researching pricing and stuff and not get so anxious!
I should do some cleaning, but I just don't even feel like moving out of this chair. I did make my son and I clean the heck outa this house on Sunday. We worked our butts off. The only thing I really need to do is change my sheets, and vacuum and dust again before my DH gets home late tomorrow night. I sure have missed him, a lot!!! We've never been apart this long, and I hate it!
I think I'll go lay down.
I hope my girlfriend that I had coffee with doesn't come down with it, she's leaving on a cruise on Friday! They got a really cheap rate, they are taking their 3 kids on a Carnival cruise in the gulf area. Yep, cheap rates, because there isn't going to be anything to see? I hope they have fun, thats what matters the most.We're definitely going to Disney World. My DH's stipulation....I have to shoot a deer. Ummmmm no way in hell is that happening, but he's still going to DisneyWorld anyway!
I've been looking for things to book, we're going to do Universal 2 days, Seaworld 1 day, and get a 7 day park hopper for Disney. I'm thinking of surprising him with a day of deep sea fishing too. Thats one of the options you can pick, and he could just go and enjoy himself doing that one day, and I'll just lay by the pool, or go exploring by myself in the park. We've asked my sons friend if he wants to go and he was very excited! I told him, he'll just need spending money. Oh, another thing, my DH was so funny, I told him that I'd looked at costs for 2 rooms, to put the boys in a room by themselves...or that we could go cheaper and just pick one room, and he was like.....NO, book 2 rooms, I don't care how much more it costs! LOL So, I've been thinking the best way to buy everything, I think I'll just book everything as soon as we get our income tax money, that way it will all be paid for, and we can just save up the spending money and of course, feeding 4 people, the food money! I need to figure out how much we're going to need for food money for 4 of us, so I can make sure we have enough with us! I am sooooo excited about this!!! I've never really wanted anything like this, and I can't wait!! I've been wanting to go there since I was a kid, and never got too, and as an adult, we could never afford it either. This is our first year to really be able to do what we want that we don't really have to care about money when we go! OHHHHH, I'M SO EXCITED!!!! WOOOHOOOO!!!Ok, enough about that, I'll just keep researching pricing and stuff and not get so anxious!
I should do some cleaning, but I just don't even feel like moving out of this chair. I did make my son and I clean the heck outa this house on Sunday. We worked our butts off. The only thing I really need to do is change my sheets, and vacuum and dust again before my DH gets home late tomorrow night. I sure have missed him, a lot!!! We've never been apart this long, and I hate it!
I think I'll go lay down.
Post # 105 - 1-22-06
[i]Hi Kristy! Not sure how I stumbled in here but I have read almost all of your journal! You could write a book! Your life is so interesting. I am sorry to hear about your first DH but you are so blessed to have found another man to love and be a father to your son! The whales are gorgeous!!![/i]
Post # 106 - 2-1-06
OMG, I haven't been in here in ages!!
SJ, thanks for the compliments!! I'm' sorry it took me so long to say that, I've just not been around, at least in the journals sections. Thanks again for stopping by and being so sweet!
Things here are going well. I've booked the Disney portion of the trip, 2 rooms, in a moderate resort for 7 days, including park hopper tickets, and the meal plan is only $4330! I don't think thats too bad! We still need to buy our plane tickets, and I still need to book Universal and Seaworld. I'm thinking of extending another day so we can have either 3 at Universal, or 2 at U, and 2 at Seaworld. DH still isn't so thrilled, so I'm not sure I can add an extra day or not! He'll get over it though, when he's having a blast, whether he wants to admit it or not! OMG, I AM STILL SO EXCITED, I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!!!! WOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!
Ok, yep, I'm 44, and haven't grown-up yet. I'll get there one day!
I'm still sick, it's been over 2 weeks now. I"m still coughing up junk from my chest, and it doesn't seem to be going away. I'm hoping soon! But several of my patients have gotten it too, and they are all still hacking up crap too. Not a fun place to work right at the moment. I've also had 2 in the hospital for pneumonia, 3 more who didn't go to the hospital, but have pneumonia, and I've lost 3 of my long term patients just this month. It's been a very hard emotional month for me. I've never had that many go, so quick. My DH said he doesn't know how I can handle my job, because it's so depressing, but he did give me a compliment, he see's that I handle it quite well, and told me so last night. I'm still upset, I still miss them all, but I still know that I need to move on, and continue to do my job, the best I can. I also realize that they all are quite old, and have lived long, sometimes adventurous lives. They are gone from sight, but always in my heart. Ok, off the sad stuff!
DH and I have been getting along wonderfully. No arguments, no fights, nothing. He's been the most loving, attentive DH these past couple of months. I'm falling in love with him all over again. We're getting along so well, yet, the other night, after I'd gone to bed, I got up about 20 minutes later, to go to the bathroom, and I catch him looking at porn, online. I see the picture, and he hears me behind him, I say "were you looking at porn online?" He tells me "yeah". Ok, so I go into the br, try to register this, and he comes to meet me on my way back to bed, and I ask him "and how often do you engage in this when I'm not around?" His reply (sarcastically) "not very often". The worst part, and the part I don't really get, is he closed the window very abruptly, like I'd caught him with his hand in the cookie jar. We look at porn all the time, almost every time we have sex, we have porn on the tv, not that we even really watch it, but it's a turn-on, so we have it on. But, I think what bugs me, is not the porn itself, it's that he was indulging in this, without me. I thought it was something we shared, and him closing the window so quickly made him look guilty as hell for something! Is he guilty of something??? I don't know! He sure acted like it the next night, because he didn't even set foot in the computer room, which is where he usually spends his evenings, he helped me do dishes, laundry, then sat in the living room with me the entire night, something he rarely ever does. Hmmmm, guilty much??
So, I'm not upset, I'm just bugged about it. I told the C about it today, but yet DH, who had his appt 2 hours ahead of mine didn't mention a thing about it. Hmmmm, interesting again. So I guess I'm bugged about the secretiveness (is that a word??) of his actions, and not the porn itself. I don't know what to think, but the C suggested that I talk to him about it. So this weekend, if my DS is at his friends for the night, I'll talk to DH about this episode. We need to discuss it, I think we really do. So, we'll see what happens.
I am still addicted to the Rent CD, so is my son! I can't wait for it to come out on DVD, because I'll be there to buy it! My son loves the music too! That just makes me so happy to think that at least I've raised him with some type of culture. He knows I love the musicals, and would never tell his friends, but when he's home, he's playing the cd in his room while he's playing nintendo or something like that. Ahhh, I love that boy!
Well geez, when I get on here, I can't shut up! I need this outlet, more than the counselor I think. It's ummmmm, whats the word....cathartic?? I think. Maybe I'm not using that word correctly, but it helps me to get things off my chest, and typing them here, even if nobody else reads along, I feel better.
I think I'm going to buy me a new watch today, I really need one for work. So, I'll wait till my son gets home, let him come with me, and we'll go to walmart, after the dentist (for him). I'll go pay the mortgage, a few other errands, and then I'm done. Not sure what we're having for dinner, I forgot to take anything out, kind of on purpose. I have cooked every night, and I'm tired of it today. Funny, I'll come home from 10 hours working, and make a pot roast, but the day I have off, I don't want to cook. We'll see what happens, but I think I'd like chinese tonight.
My health seems to be improving. I am done with physical therapy. I don't know what it was, but all of a sudden, my shoulder no longer hurts, and neither does my lower back. I've had lower back pain for over 20 years, and all of a sudden it just stops???? That doesn't make any sense. I can't say it's because of the therapy, because I didn't follow through and do any of the exercises at home!
I know, I should have, but I didn't. I'm still taking all the meds for cholesterol, high blood pressure, diabetes, and depression, but I think I've lost a few pounds and I feel much better day to day, so I don't know what happened to take the load off my back, it's not like I lost 100lbs, which I need to do, but it just seems so much better lately....weird I know!
edited to add: GO SEAHAWKS
Well, off to the life races.
Things here are going well. I've booked the Disney portion of the trip, 2 rooms, in a moderate resort for 7 days, including park hopper tickets, and the meal plan is only $4330! I don't think thats too bad! We still need to buy our plane tickets, and I still need to book Universal and Seaworld. I'm thinking of extending another day so we can have either 3 at Universal, or 2 at U, and 2 at Seaworld. DH still isn't so thrilled, so I'm not sure I can add an extra day or not! He'll get over it though, when he's having a blast, whether he wants to admit it or not! OMG, I AM STILL SO EXCITED, I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!!!! WOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!
Ok, yep, I'm 44, and haven't grown-up yet. I'll get there one day!
I'm still sick, it's been over 2 weeks now. I"m still coughing up junk from my chest, and it doesn't seem to be going away. I'm hoping soon! But several of my patients have gotten it too, and they are all still hacking up crap too. Not a fun place to work right at the moment. I've also had 2 in the hospital for pneumonia, 3 more who didn't go to the hospital, but have pneumonia, and I've lost 3 of my long term patients just this month. It's been a very hard emotional month for me. I've never had that many go, so quick. My DH said he doesn't know how I can handle my job, because it's so depressing, but he did give me a compliment, he see's that I handle it quite well, and told me so last night. I'm still upset, I still miss them all, but I still know that I need to move on, and continue to do my job, the best I can. I also realize that they all are quite old, and have lived long, sometimes adventurous lives. They are gone from sight, but always in my heart. Ok, off the sad stuff!
DH and I have been getting along wonderfully. No arguments, no fights, nothing. He's been the most loving, attentive DH these past couple of months. I'm falling in love with him all over again. We're getting along so well, yet, the other night, after I'd gone to bed, I got up about 20 minutes later, to go to the bathroom, and I catch him looking at porn, online. I see the picture, and he hears me behind him, I say "were you looking at porn online?" He tells me "yeah". Ok, so I go into the br, try to register this, and he comes to meet me on my way back to bed, and I ask him "and how often do you engage in this when I'm not around?" His reply (sarcastically) "not very often". The worst part, and the part I don't really get, is he closed the window very abruptly, like I'd caught him with his hand in the cookie jar. We look at porn all the time, almost every time we have sex, we have porn on the tv, not that we even really watch it, but it's a turn-on, so we have it on. But, I think what bugs me, is not the porn itself, it's that he was indulging in this, without me. I thought it was something we shared, and him closing the window so quickly made him look guilty as hell for something! Is he guilty of something??? I don't know! He sure acted like it the next night, because he didn't even set foot in the computer room, which is where he usually spends his evenings, he helped me do dishes, laundry, then sat in the living room with me the entire night, something he rarely ever does. Hmmmm, guilty much??
So, I'm not upset, I'm just bugged about it. I told the C about it today, but yet DH, who had his appt 2 hours ahead of mine didn't mention a thing about it. Hmmmm, interesting again. So I guess I'm bugged about the secretiveness (is that a word??) of his actions, and not the porn itself. I don't know what to think, but the C suggested that I talk to him about it. So this weekend, if my DS is at his friends for the night, I'll talk to DH about this episode. We need to discuss it, I think we really do. So, we'll see what happens.
I am still addicted to the Rent CD, so is my son! I can't wait for it to come out on DVD, because I'll be there to buy it! My son loves the music too! That just makes me so happy to think that at least I've raised him with some type of culture. He knows I love the musicals, and would never tell his friends, but when he's home, he's playing the cd in his room while he's playing nintendo or something like that. Ahhh, I love that boy!
Well geez, when I get on here, I can't shut up! I need this outlet, more than the counselor I think. It's ummmmm, whats the word....cathartic?? I think. Maybe I'm not using that word correctly, but it helps me to get things off my chest, and typing them here, even if nobody else reads along, I feel better.
I think I'm going to buy me a new watch today, I really need one for work. So, I'll wait till my son gets home, let him come with me, and we'll go to walmart, after the dentist (for him). I'll go pay the mortgage, a few other errands, and then I'm done. Not sure what we're having for dinner, I forgot to take anything out, kind of on purpose. I have cooked every night, and I'm tired of it today. Funny, I'll come home from 10 hours working, and make a pot roast, but the day I have off, I don't want to cook. We'll see what happens, but I think I'd like chinese tonight.
My health seems to be improving. I am done with physical therapy. I don't know what it was, but all of a sudden, my shoulder no longer hurts, and neither does my lower back. I've had lower back pain for over 20 years, and all of a sudden it just stops???? That doesn't make any sense. I can't say it's because of the therapy, because I didn't follow through and do any of the exercises at home!
I know, I should have, but I didn't. I'm still taking all the meds for cholesterol, high blood pressure, diabetes, and depression, but I think I've lost a few pounds and I feel much better day to day, so I don't know what happened to take the load off my back, it's not like I lost 100lbs, which I need to do, but it just seems so much better lately....weird I know! edited to add: GO SEAHAWKS
Well, off to the life races.
Post # 107 - 2-15-06
Another day off, well kinda. I do have 2 counseling sessions today, one by myself, and the other with my DH. He (dh) doesn't want to do the individual counseling anymore, just marital, I think he still needs the individual too, and the marriage, and I know darn well that I need the individual part of it. I have opened up to the C a lot more than I ever thought I would. I've told him things that I've never told anyone.....ever, in my life. I just feel the need. Maybe telling him is helping me to come to grips with a lot of what my life was like growing up, because it truly sucked and there are so many parts of it that I don't want to remember, and other parts of it that are still so graphic that I will never forget them. Sometimes I feel like I repressed the "good" things, over the bad. I don't know, I just know I still need to go, no matter what type of negativity my DH feels about the whole thing.
Yesterday was Valentines day. I got a dozen "yellow" roses delivered at work. They are beautiful, but couldn't figure out why they are yellow, and not white or red. White roses are my favorite flowers, but in DH's head he knew that one was my favorite, but couldn't remember which color, only that he knew it wasn't red. Oh well, at least I got roses! I'm so stinky materialistic, I had better of gotten something! I bought him a new coffee cup that says "I love you" all over it and a bunch of candy, including a whole box of "dark" chocolate, his favorite. He was very excited about all the goodies he got. We have a tradition, on the weekends we use any type of cups that we've given each other for valentines, and whoever gets coffee for the other, puts their coffee into a love-type cup. Then when we deliver to each other, we say that the other one got "I love you" coffee. It's cute, and boring, but we love it! Now we have another cup to add to the mix. We then went out to a nice quiet, just the 2 of us dinner. We went to the same place as last year, which has a beautiful view over the water, and looks at the mountains, we loved it! The only thing bad was....we ordered steamed clams, and when they came out, they weren't cooked all the way! They were slimy like oysters! So, I asked the waitress to have them steamed a bit more, and her response was that they were cooked, once the shells open up, that means they're cooked and there is no way to cook them some more??? Ummm, no the damn things are raw and have an awful taste, I don't care if they are supposed to be done when they open, they opened too damn soon and were friggin raw! She just continued to try and convince me they were cooked because they were open....sorry, nope, not buying it, I don't care how open they are, the stupid things were raw. I wasn't paying $18 for a pound of raw clams. So she took them away, and noted when she brought the bill that she didn't charge us for them....you're damn right you aren't charging us for something that wasn't edible. That was really the only problem with the dinner in all.
I got my DS some candy, and for the first time since he got his braces off in October (I think Oct?), I bought him bubble gum! He wasn't allowed to chew it when he had them on, so he was very excited about that! He also loves different candy and he doesn't get that often, usually only on special days.
DH and I had a few strange moments when we were having dinner. I was telling him how much I loved him, and that I was always thinking about when he filed for divorce and how much we almost lost, it is constantly on my mind, but I've never said anything to him. We'd have lost not only the true love we had/have for each other, but also everything we'd worked for in the past 8 years, and each others best friend. He was very matter of fact and told me that he didn't regret it at all, that "I" kept asking for it, and if I asked he was going to give it to me. It was kind of hurtful actually, and I felt really down by his responses. He doesn't regret it at all, or at least he didn't seem that way. I don't know, something in there is still very cold coming from him, no matter how much he tries to be loving and caring, he's changed. I'm definitely going to bring it up today at the C's office. Another thing that kind of bugged me, and I'm also bringing up today....well maybe. Since the end of November I have eaten no sweets (that weren't sweetened with Splenda), I've cut my portions down by probably 3/4 during each meal. I am eating no snacks, unless it's an apple. I feel like I've lost probably 15 lbs so far, and everyone at work is telling me that too. I try to be very non-chalant about it, and they are all commenting on it. I brought that up last night and he made some comment about he didn't think that I'd lost any weight. Geez, he sees me more than the people at work, and he sees me naked, I guess I'm just still fat, and he's not seeing a change. That's another hurtful thing, although he didn't seem to want to hurt me, just being honest I guess. I don't know, I think we definitely need to get back into the couples counseling, so hopefully I'll have the guts to bring up this stuff today.
Things at work are going good. We've had a bad 6-7 weeks and lost a lot of our residents to pneumonia, flu, old age. We had 4 married couples, and we lost 2 of the husbands. It's so sad, except both of those wives have alzheimers, so their DH's for the past 60 years are gone, and they don't even know it. It's sad. We've lost a number of our long-term residents, and then many more that have come in just to die. I don't know how I'm getting through it, but I am. We are full one day, then the next we have 10 empty beds. One day it's hectic, the next it's quiet. Wow, it's still just so hard to believe.
Well, I've depressed myself enough for one day. Guess I'll get my shower, take something out for dinner and clean the house a bit. Yeah for me, another exciting day!
Yesterday was Valentines day. I got a dozen "yellow" roses delivered at work. They are beautiful, but couldn't figure out why they are yellow, and not white or red. White roses are my favorite flowers, but in DH's head he knew that one was my favorite, but couldn't remember which color, only that he knew it wasn't red. Oh well, at least I got roses! I'm so stinky materialistic, I had better of gotten something! I bought him a new coffee cup that says "I love you" all over it and a bunch of candy, including a whole box of "dark" chocolate, his favorite. He was very excited about all the goodies he got. We have a tradition, on the weekends we use any type of cups that we've given each other for valentines, and whoever gets coffee for the other, puts their coffee into a love-type cup. Then when we deliver to each other, we say that the other one got "I love you" coffee. It's cute, and boring, but we love it! Now we have another cup to add to the mix. We then went out to a nice quiet, just the 2 of us dinner. We went to the same place as last year, which has a beautiful view over the water, and looks at the mountains, we loved it! The only thing bad was....we ordered steamed clams, and when they came out, they weren't cooked all the way! They were slimy like oysters! So, I asked the waitress to have them steamed a bit more, and her response was that they were cooked, once the shells open up, that means they're cooked and there is no way to cook them some more??? Ummm, no the damn things are raw and have an awful taste, I don't care if they are supposed to be done when they open, they opened too damn soon and were friggin raw! She just continued to try and convince me they were cooked because they were open....sorry, nope, not buying it, I don't care how open they are, the stupid things were raw. I wasn't paying $18 for a pound of raw clams. So she took them away, and noted when she brought the bill that she didn't charge us for them....you're damn right you aren't charging us for something that wasn't edible. That was really the only problem with the dinner in all.
I got my DS some candy, and for the first time since he got his braces off in October (I think Oct?), I bought him bubble gum! He wasn't allowed to chew it when he had them on, so he was very excited about that! He also loves different candy and he doesn't get that often, usually only on special days.
DH and I had a few strange moments when we were having dinner. I was telling him how much I loved him, and that I was always thinking about when he filed for divorce and how much we almost lost, it is constantly on my mind, but I've never said anything to him. We'd have lost not only the true love we had/have for each other, but also everything we'd worked for in the past 8 years, and each others best friend. He was very matter of fact and told me that he didn't regret it at all, that "I" kept asking for it, and if I asked he was going to give it to me. It was kind of hurtful actually, and I felt really down by his responses. He doesn't regret it at all, or at least he didn't seem that way. I don't know, something in there is still very cold coming from him, no matter how much he tries to be loving and caring, he's changed. I'm definitely going to bring it up today at the C's office. Another thing that kind of bugged me, and I'm also bringing up today....well maybe. Since the end of November I have eaten no sweets (that weren't sweetened with Splenda), I've cut my portions down by probably 3/4 during each meal. I am eating no snacks, unless it's an apple. I feel like I've lost probably 15 lbs so far, and everyone at work is telling me that too. I try to be very non-chalant about it, and they are all commenting on it. I brought that up last night and he made some comment about he didn't think that I'd lost any weight. Geez, he sees me more than the people at work, and he sees me naked, I guess I'm just still fat, and he's not seeing a change. That's another hurtful thing, although he didn't seem to want to hurt me, just being honest I guess. I don't know, I think we definitely need to get back into the couples counseling, so hopefully I'll have the guts to bring up this stuff today.
Things at work are going good. We've had a bad 6-7 weeks and lost a lot of our residents to pneumonia, flu, old age. We had 4 married couples, and we lost 2 of the husbands. It's so sad, except both of those wives have alzheimers, so their DH's for the past 60 years are gone, and they don't even know it. It's sad. We've lost a number of our long-term residents, and then many more that have come in just to die. I don't know how I'm getting through it, but I am. We are full one day, then the next we have 10 empty beds. One day it's hectic, the next it's quiet. Wow, it's still just so hard to believe.
Well, I've depressed myself enough for one day. Guess I'll get my shower, take something out for dinner and clean the house a bit. Yeah for me, another exciting day!
Post # 108 - 2-16-06
Some days I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown, but I know I have to keep smiling and not let anyone in on my life or whats happening in my heart and mind. I have never, ever let anyone into my world, the horrible memories in my head and heart, I've held this burden for 40 years, and never told anyone, ever. Counseling yesterday was hard. I hate having to recall things. I hate that I've told someone things that I've never told anyone, I am so embarrassed by things that happened in my life and have been very secretive, but now the C knows and I can barely look at him. It's very hard, very hard.
After the individual session, my DH came in, he could tell I had been crying, and I couldn't even look at him. He knew something was wrong, but didn't question me about anything, just asked if I was ok. I told him yes, because I don't want to be more embarrassed than I already am. We had a good couples session. Then when we got home later in the day, we laid on our bed and had a wonderful conversation and both apologized to each other about what we did wrong in our relationship and how we're both just going to try and work on things better, and communicate better. It's so nice to be able to talk to my DH. I love him so much, I was horrified and heartbroken when he filed, he said he was glad that I reacted the way I did, because he was freaking that our marriage was over, and that he didn't think he could do anything about it, he didn't really want to file, but felt he had too, because I was threatening it, but I was doing that only because I wanted him to work on our relationship and he didn't seem to want too. So, we've worked very hard at trying to make each other understand what went wrong and how to solve it. We'll keep doing couples counseling for a few more weeks.
I am horribly depressed, but it's hidden. I am even taking meds, but they don't seem to be helping, I think I need something different, or maybe I just need to go off them and just continue counseling, I don't know.
Cooking dinner is calling me.
After the individual session, my DH came in, he could tell I had been crying, and I couldn't even look at him. He knew something was wrong, but didn't question me about anything, just asked if I was ok. I told him yes, because I don't want to be more embarrassed than I already am. We had a good couples session. Then when we got home later in the day, we laid on our bed and had a wonderful conversation and both apologized to each other about what we did wrong in our relationship and how we're both just going to try and work on things better, and communicate better. It's so nice to be able to talk to my DH. I love him so much, I was horrified and heartbroken when he filed, he said he was glad that I reacted the way I did, because he was freaking that our marriage was over, and that he didn't think he could do anything about it, he didn't really want to file, but felt he had too, because I was threatening it, but I was doing that only because I wanted him to work on our relationship and he didn't seem to want too. So, we've worked very hard at trying to make each other understand what went wrong and how to solve it. We'll keep doing couples counseling for a few more weeks.
I am horribly depressed, but it's hidden. I am even taking meds, but they don't seem to be helping, I think I need something different, or maybe I just need to go off them and just continue counseling, I don't know.
Cooking dinner is calling me.
Post # 109 - 2-22-06
11:20 pm, and I've been up since 4am.....
And, I'm tired, but I'm not. I'm a bit apprehensive about tomorrow. Another counseling session. I feel like I'm more depressed then when I started taking anti-depressants. I get comments at work like "is everything ok?" "you look like you're going to cry" and I feel fine. I must just have an awful look on my face a lot of the time? My depression comes and goes in waves...I think the down-wave is when I know I have counseling coming up, or it's done with for the week. The things that I have to think about, to work through them in my head while I'm in that office, just hurt. I hope it goes better this week, it's not easy for me to talk about, and he has to drag things out of me, which makes it even harder. Thats in just our individual, we'll also be doing couples tomorrow.
So things are going swimmingly with my DH. He's been so sweet and wonderful, especially after our session last week. We had a long talk that night, really talked about our feelings, what we'd been doing to hurt each other, and how we were both misinterpreting each others actions and words. I am so glad that we are finding each other again, that we have that same love and passion that we have had for the first 7 years of being together....year 8 is what screwed us up! We were both just being blind and stupid, I see that now. I truly think that I was acting a lot like a baby, wanting more from him than he could give. I hated him being in school, I hated that time away from each other, I was being selfish. I think what happened (here I go trying to make excuses) was when he finished his BS then I thought it would be done for awhile, we'd have couple time and family time again....it didn't. He continued on to working on his MBA and I hated losing that time again. I wanted to be held, loved, kissed, touched, and I wanted to just "be" together, and it wasn't happening. So we started going wreckless with our words to each other, we weren't communicating. I've felt so much better about our life since he's not in school. I do hope that one day he goes back, but I'm glad that he's taken a leave for now, so we can keep our life on track, and I think the counseling has helped tremendously with that, and I think it needs to continue. What my hope is, is that we can do couples every other week, and on the off week DH will do a singles counseling, and I'll continue with mine every week. He really needs to continue with the single, he needs it, I know still, how much his parents hurt him, heck his "mom" letter was like 6 pages long, mine wasn't even a page! He still has issues to work out, even if he doesn't want too, or want to admit it. Me, I have tons of issues too, but they are between me and my counselor still. Maybe one day I'll have the guts to spill them on here, but I'm so embarrassed that I don't know that anyone else will ever know.
Onto bigger and better things.
I am the best damn wife in the world...yep, the best! I bought my DH a new boat. It's a beauty, and for the price, had better run for the next 30 friggin years! Actually, I was tired of him putting money into the old boat, and he was so unhappy because we'd put so much money, and him so much time into it, and he couldn't fish half the time. So I told him that I'd rather he buy a new boat, and make payments on something that he'll get to use, and that won't break down all the darn time. He was soooo excited...he told all his buddies, and they were freaked that his wife actually "suggested" it. They all wanted to touch him, so maybe I'd rub off on him and their wives would say the same thing to them! LOL 
Not gonna happen. I'm a spender, none of their wives are. I'm just too materialistic. I like driving a new car, I like having new work uniforms all the time, I like buying clothes for my family and me, oh, and shoes.............yeah!! Anyway, you can't take it with you, we'll have a nice retirement when we need it, we need to enjoy our lives now, while we still can! I try to "live this moment as my last". (Mimi, RENT).
OHHHHHH, RENT!!! I of course rushed to WallyWorld as soon as I got done at the bank today to buy my copy!! I know all the songs by heart, because my son and I listen to it constantly in the car! I listen all the way to work, and all the way home! We put the movie on when we got home, about 5:30 and I just got done watching the movie and the documentary at 11! Thats the real reason I'm still up! I love that movie!!! I loved it on stage, I wish I could go to NY and see the stage version there! That would be one of my dream trips! Maybe with one of my girlfriends one day. That would be whoa..........wonderful!
Work started out so wacky today. We have 3 dayshift nurses. We decided that one of us will start coming in at 8am, instead of at 6 like the other 2, that way the afternoon nurse can stay and help the PM shift nurses with their heaviest part of the day. So I'm sitting there, with the night nurse, because she doesn't want to leave, because my other 6am'er isn't there. So I tell her go ahead and leave, I'll be fine, I call the other nurse and he thinks he's the 8am person, nope it's the other nurse. So he's getting up and coming in. We have a continental breakfast for our residents, we make all the eggs, bacon, toast, danish, fruit etc for them each morning. Then we have a huge lunch. So today, one of the girls (I don't know what the heck she was thinking!!!) decided to stick a danish on the glass dish that rotates in the microwave..........these only need to be heated like 10 seconds...next we know, there is smoke billowing out of the microwave and the danish is burnt black to the glass!! We open all the doors (this is at 6:30 am in the middle of winter!), turn on all the fans, open every window, and then we're thinking we're safe, because the fire alarm hadn't gone off yet.......about 3 minutes later it starts dinging! What the heck took it so long?? Anyway, of course, I'm in charge because I'm the only nurse there! So I call the alarm company to tell them it's a false alarm, I call 911 and tell them to let the fire dept know that it's a false alarm and they didn't need to come, they tell me that they'll probably show up anyway, because it was still an alarm. About 10 minutes later, a fireman comes walking in the door, I profusely apologized, told him we'd tried to stop it, he just wanted to know what was going on, but looked really pissed, and like we must have woken him up! Sorry dude, it was an accident, we did the best we could, besides dammit, it's 6:30, wake up! LOL I did feel bad, but shit happens.
My son got all D's on his report card. Yep, all the wonderful A's and B's earlier in the quarter/semester came down to all D's. Beautiful. At least he was consistent. He tried to tell me the other day that he has a life, and school is not his life...yadda yadda...yeah buster, you're 15, you'll have a life when I'm not feeding you, clothing you and giving you a roof over your head, and you damn well better be getting better grades unless you want to work at McDonalds the rest of your friggin life! I have been thinking, that I wish I knew someone in Alaska that does fishing charters, I'd send him there for the summer so he knows what real work is like! As it looks, I think he'll be able to work full-time at my work this summer, as a housekeeper, so he'll learn. I'm the infection control nurse, I'll keep his ass busy, and show him the correct way to clean things! Sigh...........he's a teenager.
I need to go tomorrow and get the decorations for the shower we're having on Monday, I also need to get a gift! I'd better head over to their registry to see whats on it! I also am meeting my bestest girlfriend for coffee! I love her, shes the sweetest person in the world, and is married into the most horrid family in the world! Well, off to check Macy's!
So things are going swimmingly with my DH. He's been so sweet and wonderful, especially after our session last week. We had a long talk that night, really talked about our feelings, what we'd been doing to hurt each other, and how we were both misinterpreting each others actions and words. I am so glad that we are finding each other again, that we have that same love and passion that we have had for the first 7 years of being together....year 8 is what screwed us up! We were both just being blind and stupid, I see that now. I truly think that I was acting a lot like a baby, wanting more from him than he could give. I hated him being in school, I hated that time away from each other, I was being selfish. I think what happened (here I go trying to make excuses) was when he finished his BS then I thought it would be done for awhile, we'd have couple time and family time again....it didn't. He continued on to working on his MBA and I hated losing that time again. I wanted to be held, loved, kissed, touched, and I wanted to just "be" together, and it wasn't happening. So we started going wreckless with our words to each other, we weren't communicating. I've felt so much better about our life since he's not in school. I do hope that one day he goes back, but I'm glad that he's taken a leave for now, so we can keep our life on track, and I think the counseling has helped tremendously with that, and I think it needs to continue. What my hope is, is that we can do couples every other week, and on the off week DH will do a singles counseling, and I'll continue with mine every week. He really needs to continue with the single, he needs it, I know still, how much his parents hurt him, heck his "mom" letter was like 6 pages long, mine wasn't even a page! He still has issues to work out, even if he doesn't want too, or want to admit it. Me, I have tons of issues too, but they are between me and my counselor still. Maybe one day I'll have the guts to spill them on here, but I'm so embarrassed that I don't know that anyone else will ever know.
Onto bigger and better things.
I am the best damn wife in the world...yep, the best! I bought my DH a new boat. It's a beauty, and for the price, had better run for the next 30 friggin years!
Actually, I was tired of him putting money into the old boat, and he was so unhappy because we'd put so much money, and him so much time into it, and he couldn't fish half the time. So I told him that I'd rather he buy a new boat, and make payments on something that he'll get to use, and that won't break down all the darn time. He was soooo excited...he told all his buddies, and they were freaked that his wife actually "suggested" it. They all wanted to touch him, so maybe I'd rub off on him and their wives would say the same thing to them! LOL Not gonna happen. I'm a spender, none of their wives are. I'm just too materialistic. I like driving a new car, I like having new work uniforms all the time, I like buying clothes for my family and me, oh, and shoes.............yeah!! Anyway, you can't take it with you, we'll have a nice retirement when we need it, we need to enjoy our lives now, while we still can! I try to "live this moment as my last". (Mimi, RENT). OHHHHHH, RENT!!! I of course rushed to WallyWorld as soon as I got done at the bank today to buy my copy!! I know all the songs by heart, because my son and I listen to it constantly in the car! I listen all the way to work, and all the way home! We put the movie on when we got home, about 5:30 and I just got done watching the movie and the documentary at 11! Thats the real reason I'm still up! I love that movie!!! I loved it on stage, I wish I could go to NY and see the stage version there! That would be one of my dream trips! Maybe with one of my girlfriends one day. That would be whoa..........wonderful!
Work started out so wacky today. We have 3 dayshift nurses. We decided that one of us will start coming in at 8am, instead of at 6 like the other 2, that way the afternoon nurse can stay and help the PM shift nurses with their heaviest part of the day. So I'm sitting there, with the night nurse, because she doesn't want to leave, because my other 6am'er isn't there. So I tell her go ahead and leave, I'll be fine, I call the other nurse and he thinks he's the 8am person, nope it's the other nurse. So he's getting up and coming in. We have a continental breakfast for our residents, we make all the eggs, bacon, toast, danish, fruit etc for them each morning. Then we have a huge lunch. So today, one of the girls (I don't know what the heck she was thinking!!!) decided to stick a danish on the glass dish that rotates in the microwave..........these only need to be heated like 10 seconds...next we know, there is smoke billowing out of the microwave and the danish is burnt black to the glass!! We open all the doors (this is at 6:30 am in the middle of winter!), turn on all the fans, open every window, and then we're thinking we're safe, because the fire alarm hadn't gone off yet.......about 3 minutes later it starts dinging! What the heck took it so long?? Anyway, of course, I'm in charge because I'm the only nurse there! So I call the alarm company to tell them it's a false alarm, I call 911 and tell them to let the fire dept know that it's a false alarm and they didn't need to come, they tell me that they'll probably show up anyway, because it was still an alarm. About 10 minutes later, a fireman comes walking in the door, I profusely apologized, told him we'd tried to stop it, he just wanted to know what was going on, but looked really pissed, and like we must have woken him up! Sorry dude, it was an accident, we did the best we could, besides dammit, it's 6:30, wake up! LOL I did feel bad, but shit happens.
My son got all D's on his report card. Yep, all the wonderful A's and B's earlier in the quarter/semester came down to all D's. Beautiful. At least he was consistent. He tried to tell me the other day that he has a life, and school is not his life...yadda yadda...yeah buster, you're 15, you'll have a life when I'm not feeding you, clothing you and giving you a roof over your head, and you damn well better be getting better grades unless you want to work at McDonalds the rest of your friggin life! I have been thinking, that I wish I knew someone in Alaska that does fishing charters, I'd send him there for the summer so he knows what real work is like! As it looks, I think he'll be able to work full-time at my work this summer, as a housekeeper, so he'll learn. I'm the infection control nurse, I'll keep his ass busy, and show him the correct way to clean things! Sigh...........he's a teenager.
I need to go tomorrow and get the decorations for the shower we're having on Monday, I also need to get a gift! I'd better head over to their registry to see whats on it! I also am meeting my bestest girlfriend for coffee! I love her, shes the sweetest person in the world, and is married into the most horrid family in the world! Well, off to check Macy's!
Post # 110 - 2-22-06
Counseling went well today......
At least couples did. We have reached a milestone, I believe. After our talks during the week, we both feel much better about our relationship, then we threw a monkey wrench into it, something we'd never said when we fight, that we've said really mean and nasty things to each other. He was like "whoa!", he had no idea we had done that....I guess we just never told him that we are both guilty of it....me in particular. We both agreed to not ever talk like that to each other again, I agreed, I was more vicious than he has ever been, and I promised to never be like that again. So, we're going to do another couple session again next week, then DH is going to be going to the individual every week, like I am. He agreed he needed it, he hates to admit it, because it's so painful for him. But he's going to start doing it again.
My individual was hard......again. It's never easy, I try my best to avoid talking, but it doesn't work. Hell, what am I paying him for, if I don't talk about whats going on in my life, my head, my past, my heart, thats why I'm there. So, I'll continue going, and getting things out of my head. Now he wants me to write a letter to someone else in my family....get out my feelings to that person. That ones going to be hard. But, I'll do it.
My DH is very excited to be getting his new boat. He's just over the moon about it! I'm glad. He's happy, he's excited, and I am too, just not "as much" as him! DS is also very excited, so I'm happy about that too. I just called and added the boat on our insurance, she'll call me back to tell me what that monthly damage is going to be.
I went and got all the stuff for the bridal shower we're throwing at work next week. The cake was ordered yesterday. I bought plates, napkins, cups, streamers, a couple decorations. I went last night to look at their Macy's registry, and it threw me to the WC!!! I didn't know they were connected...oh, and of course, the site was down at that time!
They didn't really have a lot on their target site, just regular stuff that I'll let someone else buy. I thought I'd buy them some crystal or something. We'll see. I might just go to Macy's this weekend, I just don't know yet. I think it would depend on when my DH is going to pick up his boat!
Well, onto cleaning my house....maybe.
My individual was hard......again. It's never easy, I try my best to avoid talking, but it doesn't work. Hell, what am I paying him for, if I don't talk about whats going on in my life, my head, my past, my heart, thats why I'm there. So, I'll continue going, and getting things out of my head. Now he wants me to write a letter to someone else in my family....get out my feelings to that person. That ones going to be hard. But, I'll do it.
My DH is very excited to be getting his new boat. He's just over the moon about it! I'm glad. He's happy, he's excited, and I am too, just not "as much" as him!
DS is also very excited, so I'm happy about that too. I just called and added the boat on our insurance, she'll call me back to tell me what that monthly damage is going to be. I went and got all the stuff for the bridal shower we're throwing at work next week. The cake was ordered yesterday. I bought plates, napkins, cups, streamers, a couple decorations. I went last night to look at their Macy's registry, and it threw me to the WC!!! I didn't know they were connected...oh, and of course, the site was down at that time!
They didn't really have a lot on their target site, just regular stuff that I'll let someone else buy. I thought I'd buy them some crystal or something. We'll see. I might just go to Macy's this weekend, I just don't know yet. I think it would depend on when my DH is going to pick up his boat! Well, onto cleaning my house....maybe.
Post # 111 - 3-15-06
Time just flies by.........
I cannot believe that it's been almost a month since my last post on here! I thought my resolution was to keep up with this more this year. I feel like I say so much and that maybe I shouldn't, but I need the outlet this gives me.
DS has a new gf. I like this one much better than the last, and you can tell she's raised correctly! She has manners and isn't the one calling my son all the time, like the last one. She came over for dinner and to watch a movie the other night, she's very sweet. My DS is going to their house this Friday for the same. I told him he'd better be polite! He's taking the WASL this week, which he absolutely HAS to pass or he can't graduate high school. Yep, his class was the first to have this new ruling. The problem is...he has never passed it, not the 4th grade one, not the 7th grade one, and not the 8th grade science one. He's never passed all the parts of it. I hope he can this one, because he absolutely HAS TOO. I tried to give him pointers to being sure of his answers, etc. I hope he does it!
I was reading a thread on CC the other day. It was about people feeling guilty for buying things for themselves. I've been this way my whole life, I want to please, but deny myself things because of the guilt I feel I "should" have by treating myself. Well, I think I've finally grown out of it. We make good money, I just bought my DH a new boat, brand new. I have NEVER in my life just gone and bought things that I've wanted for a long time, because I didn't think I deserved it, but I've decided that dammit, I DO deserve it and am going to start buying for me if I see something. So, what do I do? I go to the COACH store. Yep, coach. It's a high end purse place, and I love their stuff, but never had the guts to shop there before, because of the money and guilt issues.
So, I bought this wallet:
in all pink with the logo on it.
Then this case, I'm going to use for my reading glasses, because I'm old:
in all leather, pink of course!
Then this keychain, which I just love!!
Then I left the Coach store. But a week later I went back, this time with my girlfriend! We had a ball shopping! I bought this large white leather with pink accents tote bag, for out DisneyWorld trip, and then a small flat pink leather bag that will work as a fanny pack, or just a very light purse to carry around the park, the large bag for the plane trip. I spent a lot more money than I ever have on a bag, but I loved them both! Oh, then I went clothing shopping and bought 3 of the cutest tops and pants to go with them. Yep, I'm excited over regular clothing. I don't buy myself much, because I wear a uniform all day long, but this time, I did, and not on credit! It felt WONDERFUL!!!! I am so glad that I didn't feel guilt, not a single bit! I deserve nice things too! I deserve new clothing....and like my girlfriend said, if my DH objects, I can always hang the big bag off the side of the boat!
I'd better get busy, had counseling today, twice and lunch with my girlfriend, I haven't done a thing around the house and I need too.
DS has a new gf. I like this one much better than the last, and you can tell she's raised correctly! She has manners and isn't the one calling my son all the time, like the last one. She came over for dinner and to watch a movie the other night, she's very sweet. My DS is going to their house this Friday for the same. I told him he'd better be polite! He's taking the WASL this week, which he absolutely HAS to pass or he can't graduate high school. Yep, his class was the first to have this new ruling. The problem is...he has never passed it, not the 4th grade one, not the 7th grade one, and not the 8th grade science one. He's never passed all the parts of it. I hope he can this one, because he absolutely HAS TOO. I tried to give him pointers to being sure of his answers, etc. I hope he does it!
I was reading a thread on CC the other day. It was about people feeling guilty for buying things for themselves. I've been this way my whole life, I want to please, but deny myself things because of the guilt I feel I "should" have by treating myself. Well, I think I've finally grown out of it. We make good money, I just bought my DH a new boat, brand new. I have NEVER in my life just gone and bought things that I've wanted for a long time, because I didn't think I deserved it, but I've decided that dammit, I DO deserve it and am going to start buying for me if I see something. So, what do I do? I go to the COACH store. Yep, coach. It's a high end purse place, and I love their stuff, but never had the guts to shop there before, because of the money and guilt issues.
So, I bought this wallet:
in all pink with the logo on it. Then this case, I'm going to use for my reading glasses, because I'm old:
in all leather, pink of course!
Then this keychain, which I just love!!
Then I left the Coach store. But a week later I went back, this time with my girlfriend! We had a ball shopping! I bought this large white leather with pink accents tote bag, for out DisneyWorld trip, and then a small flat pink leather bag that will work as a fanny pack, or just a very light purse to carry around the park, the large bag for the plane trip. I spent a lot more money than I ever have on a bag, but I loved them both! Oh, then I went clothing shopping and bought 3 of the cutest tops and pants to go with them. Yep, I'm excited over regular clothing. I don't buy myself much, because I wear a uniform all day long, but this time, I did, and not on credit! It felt WONDERFUL!!!! I am so glad that I didn't feel guilt, not a single bit! I deserve nice things too! I deserve new clothing....and like my girlfriend said, if my DH objects, I can always hang the big bag off the side of the boat!
I'd better get busy, had counseling today, twice and lunch with my girlfriend, I haven't done a thing around the house and I need too.
Post # 112 - 3-19-06
Wow those pics stink!! Talk about blurry!
Another Sunday, another day of nothing but laundry! Actually, besides laundry, I'm also making potato salad for dinner. We're going to have a picnic type dinner with hamburgers, potato salad, chips and pop! We've invited my sons best friend and his girlfriend to come over. Not sure if the girlfriend will or not, they do the church thing on Sunday's, but hopefully. She's a nice girl and I don't mind her coming over at all. His best friend we had here last night for dinner too. I made our corned beef and cabbage (St. Pat's food) on Saturday, because we had already made plans to go out on Friday night. Boy teenagers can eat! I don't mind having him over for meals though, my son is at their house almost every weekend, if we can have him over here for a few meals, it would help his mom and dad! He's also the one we are taking to Disney World with us. He's a good kid, just big!
Things here are going great! DH is out fishing again, he went yesterday too. He's having a ball on his new boat....oh, I think I'll post a pic of it, it's soooo beautiful! And yes, I'm still wearing the crown of "best damn wife in the world" for allowing him to buy this boat!
He's happy, I'm happy, we're enjoying each others company so much more than we have in the past year, I am so glad things are going well with us, and it's not because of the boat, it's the counseling, it has helped us so much to be able to get out our problems and try to resolve them! I am falling in love with him, or at least that part of my feelings is coming out so much now. We are also having the best sex ever......WOAH! It wasn't even this good when we first got together! Yea, TMI! Sorry to anyone that reads this dullness.
My individual counseling is going too, just going. I still cry almost everytime. I have so much pent up issues from my childhood, and they are so embarrasing and humiliating to me, that I hate feeling like that. It was much simpler for me when absolutely nobody knew my secrets, why I chose to share them with this stranger, I don't know? I guess some part of me has needed therapy for a long time, and now was the time to get it all out, and get on with living my life, instead of living with memories that have clouded my thoughts every single day of my life.
Enough bad thoughts.
Work is going good. I love my job still! I love the fact that I have control over whats happening on my hall, I have great residents who I can hug when they need it. Most of mine have a bit of dementia, so I'm dealing with their memories on a daily basis too, but when I can smile and wish them a good morning everyday, and they smile back, it's all worth everything! I love my residents, they are all so sweet, I can't say it enough, I love my job! Even when I lose people, there are those that make you smile to help you get over the pain of the loss.
I am still so excited over going to Disney, I can't hardly contain myself most of the time! I look online every single day for things to do there. I'm going to map out how to see the parks, and where we're going to eat each night, (at least I hope to get this done!). We're going to turn in a night on the meal plan for a very special night just for DH and I someplace, not sure where though, I still need to find the most romantic restaurant in Disney for this and make a reservation. We figured we'd have the boys eat pizza or something like that, or maybe they could still be in the park somewhere and that way we'd be alone, just the 2 of us. Thats part of the reason we booked 2 rooms, so we can be alone, at least when we are sleeping! LOL We like to have some privacy, and 2 teenage boys can be kinda stinky at times!
Well, I'd better get busy with some stuff around this house if we're going to have a few guests. I definitely need to do some vacuuming, since my white kitty is a constant shedder! Off to the (home) working world I go!
Things here are going great! DH is out fishing again, he went yesterday too. He's having a ball on his new boat....oh, I think I'll post a pic of it, it's soooo beautiful! And yes, I'm still wearing the crown of "best damn wife in the world" for allowing him to buy this boat!
He's happy, I'm happy, we're enjoying each others company so much more than we have in the past year, I am so glad things are going well with us, and it's not because of the boat, it's the counseling, it has helped us so much to be able to get out our problems and try to resolve them! I am falling in love with him, or at least that part of my feelings is coming out so much now. We are also having the best sex ever......WOAH! It wasn't even this good when we first got together! Yea, TMI! Sorry to anyone that reads this dullness.
My individual counseling is going too, just going. I still cry almost everytime. I have so much pent up issues from my childhood, and they are so embarrasing and humiliating to me, that I hate feeling like that. It was much simpler for me when absolutely nobody knew my secrets, why I chose to share them with this stranger, I don't know?
I guess some part of me has needed therapy for a long time, and now was the time to get it all out, and get on with living my life, instead of living with memories that have clouded my thoughts every single day of my life. Enough bad thoughts.
Work is going good. I love my job still! I love the fact that I have control over whats happening on my hall, I have great residents who I can hug when they need it. Most of mine have a bit of dementia, so I'm dealing with their memories on a daily basis too, but when I can smile and wish them a good morning everyday, and they smile back, it's all worth everything! I love my residents, they are all so sweet, I can't say it enough, I love my job! Even when I lose people, there are those that make you smile to help you get over the pain of the loss.
I am still so excited over going to Disney, I can't hardly contain myself most of the time! I look online every single day for things to do there. I'm going to map out how to see the parks, and where we're going to eat each night, (at least I hope to get this done!). We're going to turn in a night on the meal plan for a very special night just for DH and I someplace, not sure where though, I still need to find the most romantic restaurant in Disney for this and make a reservation. We figured we'd have the boys eat pizza or something like that, or maybe they could still be in the park somewhere and that way we'd be alone, just the 2 of us. Thats part of the reason we booked 2 rooms, so we can be alone, at least when we are sleeping! LOL We like to have some privacy, and 2 teenage boys can be kinda stinky at times!
Well, I'd better get busy with some stuff around this house if we're going to have a few guests. I definitely need to do some vacuuming, since my white kitty is a constant shedder! Off to the (home) working world I go!
Post # 113 - 3-22-06
Another Wednesday off!
I love my schedule! I work Mon-Tues, off Wed, work Thurs-Fri and off the weekends. It's great! I still get 32 hours a week (considered full-time) and I don't work more than 2 days in a row. My back rarely hurts anymore, and I'm still doing the same job, just much easier on my body! Yesterday we had a "staff appreciation day" and we had almost the entire staff and residents in the dining room at the same time. It was so nice to be able to sit and enjoy conversation and a meal with our residents, and not in a "medical" type of relationship. I had a wonderful conversation with the resident that invited me, he's really a sweet man and I feel horrible for him, because his wife also lives there, but she's got advanced "psychotic" type alzheimers/dementia and he has a hard time watching her go downhill, or have one of her episodes. He deals with it much better than I'd ever be able too, but it's sad for him, knowing that he has to witness it. He's still a great guy though!
I have another session today. DH is there at 10 for his single session, me at 12 for mine. We'll do the couples again next week, I think. I felt bad for DH last night. There is a horrendous problem with one of the guys who thinks he knows it all. DH and his partner, who are the ones that actually "know" whats going on and what needs to be done are trying to get the guy out of their part of things, because he's causing lots of problems. So, DH writes a letter to his big boss....big boss doesn't respond...DH (thinking too much!) thinks that boss is upset and not going to respond because he thinks that DH is just bitching about the guy because of a conflict of interest. DH's partner then writes a letter......finally the boss's lightbulb goes off and he responds to partner, still not responding to DH though! DH comes home and sulks, and worries that his job is now in jeopardy, etc. He finally goes to bed. Nothing I could say or do would make him feel better....I even offered a BJ and he turned that down!!
Thats a first!
This morning, DH calls big boss (east coast). Big boss tells him that he thought it was just a personality conflict, until partner's letter came. Then he realized that it's a big problem, not just my DH bitching! So, he'll replace the PITA, most likely with DH. It won't give my DH anymore work then he already has, as far as I know, because he already works too many days/hours a week, but it would be nice if it would give a big raise! I can always enjoy more money! Actually, if he started making more per year at this point, anything over what he makes now will go into our retirement funds. We don't need anymore money per month/week then we make now, so anything extra needs to go into our retirement funds, so we can retire when we want. Anyway, DH feels much better now, and I think kind of hurt that big boss didn't really believe him. He's been working for this guy for 5 years, never has DH given him a reason to doubt his words...so I think he was hurt, but of course, he won't tell me. It will be nice to have it all over with, for DH and us here at home, because we hear it from DH a lot, because this other guy is truly a moron! Glad it's going to be over with!
Came home yesterday and sinuses were filling up. I also felt yucky. Then the rest of the cold starts setting in. I took cold pills with my others last night and was at least able to sleep. This morning, it's still there. I hate having a cold! Why me, again this year! I've tried that Zicam and it didn't work for me. Guess I'll just have to deal with it, and hope it gets less severe tomorrow, since I have to work again.
Thinking about doing some housework this AM since my GF cancelled our coffee date (sick kids, ugh!), and I don't have to go anywhere until noon. Off to the races!
I have another session today. DH is there at 10 for his single session, me at 12 for mine. We'll do the couples again next week, I think. I felt bad for DH last night. There is a horrendous problem with one of the guys who thinks he knows it all. DH and his partner, who are the ones that actually "know" whats going on and what needs to be done are trying to get the guy out of their part of things, because he's causing lots of problems. So, DH writes a letter to his big boss....big boss doesn't respond...DH (thinking too much!) thinks that boss is upset and not going to respond because he thinks that DH is just bitching about the guy because of a conflict of interest. DH's partner then writes a letter......finally the boss's lightbulb goes off and he responds to partner, still not responding to DH though! DH comes home and sulks, and worries that his job is now in jeopardy, etc. He finally goes to bed. Nothing I could say or do would make him feel better....I even offered a BJ and he turned that down!!
Thats a first! This morning, DH calls big boss (east coast). Big boss tells him that he thought it was just a personality conflict, until partner's letter came. Then he realized that it's a big problem, not just my DH bitching! So, he'll replace the PITA, most likely with DH. It won't give my DH anymore work then he already has, as far as I know, because he already works too many days/hours a week, but it would be nice if it would give a big raise!
I can always enjoy more money! Actually, if he started making more per year at this point, anything over what he makes now will go into our retirement funds. We don't need anymore money per month/week then we make now, so anything extra needs to go into our retirement funds, so we can retire when we want. Anyway, DH feels much better now, and I think kind of hurt that big boss didn't really believe him. He's been working for this guy for 5 years, never has DH given him a reason to doubt his words...so I think he was hurt, but of course, he won't tell me. It will be nice to have it all over with, for DH and us here at home, because we hear it from DH a lot, because this other guy is truly a moron! Glad it's going to be over with!Came home yesterday and sinuses were filling up. I also felt yucky. Then the rest of the cold starts setting in. I took cold pills with my others last night and was at least able to sleep. This morning, it's still there. I hate having a cold! Why me, again this year! I've tried that Zicam and it didn't work for me. Guess I'll just have to deal with it, and hope it gets less severe tomorrow, since I have to work again.
Thinking about doing some housework this AM since my GF cancelled our coffee date (sick kids, ugh!), and I don't have to go anywhere until noon. Off to the races!
Post # 114 - 3-22-06
An epiphany! I think.
Today I was talking again to the C. It was going well, talked about my DH and his work issues, that apparently was their whole hour long session. Its good, he feels he can talk to the C about things like that, it helped him work some things out. But me, I know, it's always about me....hmmm, well it should be, it's my journal! LOL
So anyway, I've always thought about my own problems, my own depression and the horrible childhood I had with the horrendous guilt and shame I've felt, for years. I have always thought that those that gave me that guilt didn't even think about it, and that it never ate away at them like it has me for so many years. I never thought that maybe they feel the horrendous guilt and shame that I do, the thoughts never crossed my mind that anyone else could be constantly thinking and feeling the way that I do. Now I have to process this new thinking. I just never even imagined this.
I had to write a letter, again. This shrink loves them for some reason! He thinks that it gives the other people that caused the problems the guilt. I don't know, but thats his job to think about that shit. So I've written letters to my parents, then to another person. He told me that my letter was the best one he's ever read because it was so honest and heartfelt. He even asked if one day he writes a book if he could put my letter in the book! If that ever happens, then eh, maybe. Anyway, so I wrote the letter, this week I was supposed to bring in an addressed, stamped envelope. I couldn't do it. I can't hurt anyone else just because I'm hurt. It's not in my nature. I'm a nurturer, the empathetic one, I don't show hurt, I fix it. I also fear the cascading affect and how my letter would effect everyone else in my life. I can't handle that. I don't want to make anyone else hurt the way I've hurt my entire life.
So, I just need to think about everything, do I send a letter? Do I take the chance that I'm going to cause someone grief, even though it's caused me grief almost my whole life? I don't know that I can take that chance, or if it will make me feel even worse. I really need to think about that this week.
On to other subjects. My DH spoke with his boss again today, if the other guy goes, he'll get the job, plus his job, and a substantial raise. He's very nervous about things and I told him I was here to support him, no matter what. He finally told me, after we were talking about it for 3 hours that he didn't need a "pep-talk". Ummm, ok, but thats why I'm here as your wife, to be your cheerleader. I'd really like to know what the raise would be! LOL Here I am spending the money already! Actually we talked about the fact that if he does start making a lot more money than he does now, that I might go back to school and get my RN. But I'd have to cut back on my work, or quit my job, and I love my job, so I don't know that I could do that.
I need to just help DH concentrate on his work issues, and help him to see that he's not doing anything wrong, and that he's more than capable of doing the job. Plus, I have to think about all the stuff that we talked about in shrinkdom today.
Off to bed, back to work tomorrow.
So anyway, I've always thought about my own problems, my own depression and the horrible childhood I had with the horrendous guilt and shame I've felt, for years. I have always thought that those that gave me that guilt didn't even think about it, and that it never ate away at them like it has me for so many years. I never thought that maybe they feel the horrendous guilt and shame that I do, the thoughts never crossed my mind that anyone else could be constantly thinking and feeling the way that I do. Now I have to process this new thinking. I just never even imagined this.
I had to write a letter, again. This shrink loves them for some reason! He thinks that it gives the other people that caused the problems the guilt. I don't know, but thats his job to think about that shit. So I've written letters to my parents, then to another person. He told me that my letter was the best one he's ever read because it was so honest and heartfelt. He even asked if one day he writes a book if he could put my letter in the book! If that ever happens, then eh, maybe. Anyway, so I wrote the letter, this week I was supposed to bring in an addressed, stamped envelope. I couldn't do it. I can't hurt anyone else just because I'm hurt. It's not in my nature. I'm a nurturer, the empathetic one, I don't show hurt, I fix it. I also fear the cascading affect and how my letter would effect everyone else in my life. I can't handle that. I don't want to make anyone else hurt the way I've hurt my entire life.
So, I just need to think about everything, do I send a letter? Do I take the chance that I'm going to cause someone grief, even though it's caused me grief almost my whole life? I don't know that I can take that chance, or if it will make me feel even worse. I really need to think about that this week.
On to other subjects. My DH spoke with his boss again today, if the other guy goes, he'll get the job, plus his job, and a substantial raise. He's very nervous about things and I told him I was here to support him, no matter what. He finally told me, after we were talking about it for 3 hours that he didn't need a "pep-talk". Ummm, ok, but thats why I'm here as your wife, to be your cheerleader. I'd really like to know what the raise would be! LOL Here I am spending the money already! Actually we talked about the fact that if he does start making a lot more money than he does now, that I might go back to school and get my RN. But I'd have to cut back on my work, or quit my job, and I love my job, so I don't know that I could do that.
I need to just help DH concentrate on his work issues, and help him to see that he's not doing anything wrong, and that he's more than capable of doing the job. Plus, I have to think about all the stuff that we talked about in shrinkdom today.
Off to bed, back to work tomorrow.
Post # 115 - 4-8-06
Once again, I'm so horrible about keeping up with this thing. The biggest problem is I can't be on here typing while DH is home, my typing drives him crazy, and we've tried every "quiet" keyboard there is! Nothing works. Plus I don't really want him to know what I type and that I even have a journal. My C knows but he's the only one, oh, and the women on here.
Things here are going well. My DS has been on spring break, so he's spent most of it at his friends house, fine with me, it's been quiet!
DH was away last week to NC for work, this week he's gone to Denver to see his son who's home on leave. He'll be home tomorrow, to halibut fish, because it's the halibut fishing season Whatever! LOL Actually I'm glad he's going to see his son, he missed a lot of years with his kids due to his own stubborness and I want him to have that connection with them. Speaking of his kids, his daughter is upset that he's not coming to see her too, but his son is an hour plane ride away, his daughter is 3000 miles away and in a town where he doesn't want to see the rest of his family, who he still doesn't want anything to do with. Also, his daughter is going to get married next summer (2007) and we'll need to go back there for at least a week for that.
When we go back east next summer I'd like to do a few other things besides going to just his hometown. I'd like to be able to get back to Philly, so my son can see his remaining family. Also I've always wanted to go to DC, so I'm thinking we could maybe do that too? When are we ever going to get to the East Coast again? Probably never, so now is the time! DH doesn't want to talk about it yet because it's a year away, and we're already going to Disney this year.
Speaking (typing?) of Disney, I booked our hotel and tickets for SeaWorld. We decided to do just SW and NOT go to Universal. We only have 3 days at the end of our trip, and we'll be tired from "D" too, so we thought that we might enjoy the whale stuff better. Plus I was told they have their own theme park too so it's not like the boys will miss out on more rides, just won't be as intense as Universal might be. I've also been thinking of hitting Discover Cove, apparently it's like a mini-SW and you can do a "swim with dolphins". I'd love to do that, but DH doesn't seem really thrilled about it. I think I need to research more about that, because I believe you have to book it way in advance. I'm still so excited about the whole thing, I can't believe it!
Things with my C are going well. I flat out refused to send any letters to anyone. So then he gives me another homework, I needed to write all the reasons why I could never send any of the letters. Basically, to send them would hurt and affect everyone in my life. The good and the bad. I also truly believe that I'll be affected my entire life no matter what, and that I need to learn how to cope with my own self, and not put any hurt or heartache on anyone else. My healing needs to start, and to put "blame" on anyone else won't make me better, but could increase my stress. I don't need that. So I won't be sending any letters to anyone. My DH's counseling seems to be going well too. He said he still has a headache when he leaves there, but they are diminishing, and he's starting to feel better about things. I'm happy about that.
My work is great still, except for yesterday. I came into work and before I could clock in and walk in the door, there's the Operations Manager walking out the door with a bag of laundry to take to the laundry room. She looks at me and says..."we have a flu outbreak, be prepared". There was 16 residents with horrible flu. Well, as the Infection Control nurse, I was a bit worried, but then realizing that the flu shots were all given in October and we'd made it so far I didn't think my shots had anything to do with it. And it didn't. Our other facility had 24 residents with it the day before. Now, we had it. I was actually the most concerned over the fact that I had just read in the news online before leaving home that 2 residents in a nursing home in Vancouver WA had died because of this flu virus they called a "norovirus". That was pretty scary! So I went immedicately into the building to prepare for my day of a constant mess. It actually went fairly well. The midnite shift had it much worse. During the day we kept those that had already been affected clean and dry and hydrated, but we only had 2 more occurrences of it starting with new people. By the time we left at the end of our shift, it was pretty much over, thank goodness! We work with the best bunch of staff, nobody bitches about the extra work, everyone just pitches in and does what they need to do for the residents, thats one of the reasons why I love working where I work. It's a group/family effort, not just a "you do your job, I'll do mine" effort. We had to call the health department and we spent a lot of the morning calling family members to tell them to NOT come and visit. Everyone was very understanding and glad that we called them. It's kind of strange actually, we have the majority of our rooms with 2 people in them. One of the residents gets it, the other roommate doesn't. The same thing happened 2 years ago when we had an outbreak like this, it was hit and miss on who would get the flu and who didn't. This time you could see those that eat in their rooms, as opposed to those that eat in the dining room, those that are always in their rooms didn't get it, only those from the common areas got the flu. We kept everyone in their rooms yesterday and thus had a minimum of new outbreaks.
This is going to be a long story (if anyone reads!)I had an episode of a resident a few weeks ago who I had set her pneumonia shot on the table in front of her because I had an emergency across the hall, and I told her I'd be right back to give the shot to her, well when I got back, she'd given in to herself (she was a retired nurse). had notifiied the doctor, her daughter and my boss immediately. The shot caused a bit of inflammation in the arm because she hadn't given it in a muscle but it was gone the next day. Within the next few days this woman got up and fell, and broke her arm. She had an alarm on, it went off but by the time anyone got there she was on the floor and had broken her arm. Well within the next week, we sent her to the hospital twice because her labs were all messed up and she wasn't getting any better. We tried to start an IV and were unable too, we sent her to the hospital because she was getting worse, and they didn't keep her! They put in an IV and sent her back. By the time I had sent her she was almost non-responsive and I figured there was no way they were going to send her back, with her labs being so messed up. We'd done everything right, and I documented everything. I had sent this woman twice in less than a week to the hospital, her labs were messed up, she was in serious renal failure and they sent her back! I couldn't believe it. On Friday morning I sent her once more and they finally kept her, by this time her labs were even more out of whack. When I got back to work on Monday, she'd died in the hospital on Sunday morning. She was the sweetest thing and I felt horrible. I tried, and there was nothing more I could do for her.
So, we knew that her daughter was a strange one, full of butt-kissing to the staff, but complaining to everyone else. We knew when she died that this daughter was going to file a complaint, or try and sue us for wrong-doing. Well we knew she'd called the state and made a complaint when they showed up the other day to look at this womans chart. Of course, all the info about her giving herself the pneumovac shot was recorded, I wasn't going to hide it, and I was completely honest with everyone involved. And there is no way that shot is what caused her kidneys to fail. But, since it's part of the record, and I had set it down in front of her, even though I did have an emergency across the hall, I'm still the cause of our facility getting a sitation. The guy from the state even agreed that stuff happens and it's a lose-lose situation, do you let the lady across the hall fall? or do you take the needle back up to the other end of the hall, and then come and save the falling person?? There is no way to gauge whats going to happen. So anyway, and in no way in hell did I ever think that this woman was going to give herself a shot!
So, the facility if getting a citation for the shot, but everything else is in order and the daughter really has nothing to sue us on. I wasn't worried about losing my job until someone gave me that thought! I was really fretting about it and finally went to my boss and asked her if I was in jeopardy of losing my job because of this. And she was astounded that I would even think that! She said that there is no way that I'll ever lose my job over something like that because I'm the best LPN she has! I just looked at her, and she said "its true, you are the most reliable, hardest working, best LPN I have." I thanked her and told her that I wasn't worried till someone put that bug in my ear, but now I'm very relieved.
So yesterday, during the flu crisis, the Operations manager makes the same comment to me. That she's glad I was one of the main nurses there that day because I'm the most level headed, know what to do, and the "best LPN" that she has! I just looked at her amazed too! I said she was kidding, and very seriously she told me again. So I thanked her! What a lift, 2 days in a row! At least now that I know they actually feel this way, I'll keep doing my job to the best of my ability and continue to try and give my residents the quality care they deserve.
OMG, I've been typing here forever! I need to get busy and start some cleaning in this house! Since DH and DS aren't here, I can get more done.
Off to the sty!
Things here are going well. My DS has been on spring break, so he's spent most of it at his friends house, fine with me, it's been quiet!
DH was away last week to NC for work, this week he's gone to Denver to see his son who's home on leave. He'll be home tomorrow, to halibut fish, because it's the halibut fishing season
Whatever! LOL Actually I'm glad he's going to see his son, he missed a lot of years with his kids due to his own stubborness and I want him to have that connection with them. Speaking of his kids, his daughter is upset that he's not coming to see her too, but his son is an hour plane ride away, his daughter is 3000 miles away and in a town where he doesn't want to see the rest of his family, who he still doesn't want anything to do with. Also, his daughter is going to get married next summer (2007) and we'll need to go back there for at least a week for that. When we go back east next summer I'd like to do a few other things besides going to just his hometown. I'd like to be able to get back to Philly, so my son can see his remaining family. Also I've always wanted to go to DC, so I'm thinking we could maybe do that too? When are we ever going to get to the East Coast again? Probably never, so now is the time! DH doesn't want to talk about it yet because it's a year away, and we're already going to Disney this year.
Speaking (typing?) of Disney, I booked our hotel and tickets for SeaWorld. We decided to do just SW and NOT go to Universal. We only have 3 days at the end of our trip, and we'll be tired from "D" too, so we thought that we might enjoy the whale stuff better. Plus I was told they have their own theme park too so it's not like the boys will miss out on more rides, just won't be as intense as Universal might be. I've also been thinking of hitting Discover Cove, apparently it's like a mini-SW and you can do a "swim with dolphins". I'd love to do that, but DH doesn't seem really thrilled about it. I think I need to research more about that, because I believe you have to book it way in advance. I'm still so excited about the whole thing, I can't believe it!
Things with my C are going well. I flat out refused to send any letters to anyone. So then he gives me another homework, I needed to write all the reasons why I could never send any of the letters. Basically, to send them would hurt and affect everyone in my life. The good and the bad. I also truly believe that I'll be affected my entire life no matter what, and that I need to learn how to cope with my own self, and not put any hurt or heartache on anyone else. My healing needs to start, and to put "blame" on anyone else won't make me better, but could increase my stress. I don't need that. So I won't be sending any letters to anyone. My DH's counseling seems to be going well too. He said he still has a headache when he leaves there, but they are diminishing, and he's starting to feel better about things. I'm happy about that.
My work is great still, except for yesterday. I came into work and before I could clock in and walk in the door, there's the Operations Manager walking out the door with a bag of laundry to take to the laundry room. She looks at me and says..."we have a flu outbreak, be prepared". There was 16 residents with horrible flu. Well, as the Infection Control nurse, I was a bit worried, but then realizing that the flu shots were all given in October and we'd made it so far I didn't think my shots had anything to do with it. And it didn't. Our other facility had 24 residents with it the day before. Now, we had it. I was actually the most concerned over the fact that I had just read in the news online before leaving home that 2 residents in a nursing home in Vancouver WA had died because of this flu virus they called a "norovirus". That was pretty scary! So I went immedicately into the building to prepare for my day of a constant mess. It actually went fairly well. The midnite shift had it much worse. During the day we kept those that had already been affected clean and dry and hydrated, but we only had 2 more occurrences of it starting with new people. By the time we left at the end of our shift, it was pretty much over, thank goodness! We work with the best bunch of staff, nobody bitches about the extra work, everyone just pitches in and does what they need to do for the residents, thats one of the reasons why I love working where I work. It's a group/family effort, not just a "you do your job, I'll do mine" effort. We had to call the health department and we spent a lot of the morning calling family members to tell them to NOT come and visit. Everyone was very understanding and glad that we called them. It's kind of strange actually, we have the majority of our rooms with 2 people in them. One of the residents gets it, the other roommate doesn't. The same thing happened 2 years ago when we had an outbreak like this, it was hit and miss on who would get the flu and who didn't. This time you could see those that eat in their rooms, as opposed to those that eat in the dining room, those that are always in their rooms didn't get it, only those from the common areas got the flu. We kept everyone in their rooms yesterday and thus had a minimum of new outbreaks.
This is going to be a long story (if anyone reads!)I had an episode of a resident a few weeks ago who I had set her pneumonia shot on the table in front of her because I had an emergency across the hall, and I told her I'd be right back to give the shot to her, well when I got back, she'd given in to herself (she was a retired nurse). had notifiied the doctor, her daughter and my boss immediately. The shot caused a bit of inflammation in the arm because she hadn't given it in a muscle but it was gone the next day. Within the next few days this woman got up and fell, and broke her arm. She had an alarm on, it went off but by the time anyone got there she was on the floor and had broken her arm. Well within the next week, we sent her to the hospital twice because her labs were all messed up and she wasn't getting any better. We tried to start an IV and were unable too, we sent her to the hospital because she was getting worse, and they didn't keep her! They put in an IV and sent her back. By the time I had sent her she was almost non-responsive and I figured there was no way they were going to send her back, with her labs being so messed up. We'd done everything right, and I documented everything. I had sent this woman twice in less than a week to the hospital, her labs were messed up, she was in serious renal failure and they sent her back! I couldn't believe it. On Friday morning I sent her once more and they finally kept her, by this time her labs were even more out of whack. When I got back to work on Monday, she'd died in the hospital on Sunday morning. She was the sweetest thing and I felt horrible. I tried, and there was nothing more I could do for her.
So, we knew that her daughter was a strange one, full of butt-kissing to the staff, but complaining to everyone else. We knew when she died that this daughter was going to file a complaint, or try and sue us for wrong-doing. Well we knew she'd called the state and made a complaint when they showed up the other day to look at this womans chart. Of course, all the info about her giving herself the pneumovac shot was recorded, I wasn't going to hide it, and I was completely honest with everyone involved. And there is no way that shot is what caused her kidneys to fail. But, since it's part of the record, and I had set it down in front of her, even though I did have an emergency across the hall, I'm still the cause of our facility getting a sitation. The guy from the state even agreed that stuff happens and it's a lose-lose situation, do you let the lady across the hall fall? or do you take the needle back up to the other end of the hall, and then come and save the falling person?? There is no way to gauge whats going to happen. So anyway, and in no way in hell did I ever think that this woman was going to give herself a shot!
So, the facility if getting a citation for the shot, but everything else is in order and the daughter really has nothing to sue us on. I wasn't worried about losing my job until someone gave me that thought! I was really fretting about it and finally went to my boss and asked her if I was in jeopardy of losing my job because of this. And she was astounded that I would even think that! She said that there is no way that I'll ever lose my job over something like that because I'm the best LPN she has! I just looked at her, and she said "its true, you are the most reliable, hardest working, best LPN I have." I thanked her and told her that I wasn't worried till someone put that bug in my ear, but now I'm very relieved.
So yesterday, during the flu crisis, the Operations manager makes the same comment to me. That she's glad I was one of the main nurses there that day because I'm the most level headed, know what to do, and the "best LPN" that she has! I just looked at her amazed too! I said she was kidding, and very seriously she told me again. So I thanked her! What a lift, 2 days in a row! At least now that I know they actually feel this way, I'll keep doing my job to the best of my ability and continue to try and give my residents the quality care they deserve.
OMG, I've been typing here forever! I need to get busy and start some cleaning in this house! Since DH and DS aren't here, I can get more done.
Off to the sty!
Post # 5 7-9-05
Think I'll do a quick post of pics:
My son and I at my wedding, he was only 10!
DH and I at our wedding, yep he's shorter & skinnier!
This is my son in the local parade this year:
Ok, I think thats enough, hope they aren't too big!
If I can find any pics of us that are recent, I'll post those but I hate my pic taken!!
DH on the way home! Got to get dinner ready!
Post # 6 - 7-9-05
More about me, although I'm actually quite a boring person, at least I like to think so! LOL
I'm 43 now, got my nursing license at 39, married again at 40. I'd working in nursing homes from the time I was 17, my mom happened to work at one, and all of us kids (my 2 sisters and brothers) all started there when we finished high school. I never thought about going to college, well, I thought about it, but had no money, so I never went. I worked in the nursing home from the time I was 17 (with a short lapse after I turned 18 for 4 months) off and on until I turned 25 or so. My DH was in the navy, we went to Hawaii for 2 years, then I left and came back home to get a job and save money for when he was getting out of the navy in a year and a half, yep, we stayed apart for 1 1/2 years, seeing each other only every 6 months.
When my Dh got out of the navy, we moved to his hometown of Philadelphia, the city of Brotherly love. I got my first dose of it when we were first married and I saw my first street person eating out of a trash can. Yeah, that's a way to scare a 19 year old girl! So, we moved back there, his entire family worked for the school district, they were positive they could get him a job there, and after a 6 month wait, us working part time jobs making peanuts, he got hired. I got a job working customer service, then moved into bookkeeping. I loved it, but when I got an offer to work for AT&T, I jumped at the chance! I loved working there too! We were doing well, trying to figure out why we weren't having a baby, doing infertility stuff, buying our first house, first new car, etc. When we finally decided we had the money and our insurance was going to cover invitro, we found out my DH had cancer. Yep, what a blow!
time to post, gotta finish dinner!
I'm 43 now, got my nursing license at 39, married again at 40. I'd working in nursing homes from the time I was 17, my mom happened to work at one, and all of us kids (my 2 sisters and brothers) all started there when we finished high school. I never thought about going to college, well, I thought about it, but had no money, so I never went. I worked in the nursing home from the time I was 17 (with a short lapse after I turned 18 for 4 months) off and on until I turned 25 or so. My DH was in the navy, we went to Hawaii for 2 years, then I left and came back home to get a job and save money for when he was getting out of the navy in a year and a half, yep, we stayed apart for 1 1/2 years, seeing each other only every 6 months.
When my Dh got out of the navy, we moved to his hometown of Philadelphia, the city of Brotherly love. I got my first dose of it when we were first married and I saw my first street person eating out of a trash can. Yeah, that's a way to scare a 19 year old girl! So, we moved back there, his entire family worked for the school district, they were positive they could get him a job there, and after a 6 month wait, us working part time jobs making peanuts, he got hired. I got a job working customer service, then moved into bookkeeping. I loved it, but when I got an offer to work for AT&T, I jumped at the chance! I loved working there too! We were doing well, trying to figure out why we weren't having a baby, doing infertility stuff, buying our first house, first new car, etc. When we finally decided we had the money and our insurance was going to cover invitro, we found out my DH had cancer. Yep, what a blow!
time to post, gotta finish dinner!
Post # 7 - 7-10-05
Holy crap we sold our old boat already! woohoo!!!
I've been trying to be really good about spending money and paying off bills, etc. We are set to be able to pay off all our old bills within 18 months. So, buying this new boat set me back a month, and it kind of peaved me. But, with the old boat sold, I'm feeling better about things.
I'm really a shop-a-holic, so saving is a hard concept to me. I mean, I need a 12 step program sometimes. I have a fridge magnet that says, "Shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist". I think thats true in my case. I've always been a shopper, it's...whats the word, hmmm, maybe cathartic for me? Problem is, I never had the money before, now, we make good money, and I can just go and shop, when I want, so it's dangerous sometimes!
Ok, back to my Kahlua, I'll be out (sleeping) soon, with alcohol on board!
I've been trying to be really good about spending money and paying off bills, etc. We are set to be able to pay off all our old bills within 18 months. So, buying this new boat set me back a month, and it kind of peaved me. But, with the old boat sold, I'm feeling better about things.
I'm really a shop-a-holic, so saving is a hard concept to me. I mean, I need a 12 step program sometimes. I have a fridge magnet that says, "Shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist". I think thats true in my case. I've always been a shopper, it's...whats the word, hmmm, maybe cathartic for me? Problem is, I never had the money before, now, we make good money, and I can just go and shop, when I want, so it's dangerous sometimes!
Ok, back to my Kahlua, I'll be out (sleeping) soon, with alcohol on board!
Post # 8 - 7-10-05
As DH gets all the stuff ready to sell the boat, I'm sitting here looking through stuff. I think maybe, I'll continue my story. Why do I feel the need for this?? I don't know, I guess it kind of sets up my life somehow, and this journal will be whats going on in the future. At least thats my hope.
So, we found out in August 1989 that my DH had end stage Non-hodgkins lymphoma. Why he got this cancer was unknown. We'd been at a friends over the 4th of July in upstate NY swimming in their pool when we noticed the lump in his groin. We immediately called our family doctor, he was on vacation, so we saw his replacement. The guy didn't want to deal with it, and told my DH to go to a surgeon. I question...why a surgeon, when you don't even know what it is?? So we found a new family doctor. He drew some blood looked at the lump and called us immediately and told us that my DH had cancer. Stage 4 B, end stage. He immediately set us up with an oncologist for more tests. What a great guy, he was so totally honest with us, and open, the best kind of doctor you could want, we continued to see him as a family doctor until I moved back to the West Coast.
So we went to an oncologist, he did tests, suggested chemo's, did a bone marrow biopsy to see how involved that was, my dh hated it, and that doctor. When he went through his 6 rounds of chemo, the doctor told him he was in remission, and he should go down to the U of PA and consult with an doc there about possibly getting a bone marrow transplant. So, we started making the almost daily trip to downtown Philly, actually almost right across the street where I worked! We found the best oncologist in the world, him and his staff were fantastic! But, my dh wasn't in remission and required another 6 rounds of chemo to get him through. He was finally in remission in the end of May, and started his transplant procedure immediately. He had what was known as an autologus (sp?) transplant, they didn't feel he would make it through a donor transplant. So, his own bonemarrow was harvested, cleansed with chemo and radiation, while they did continuous chemo and radiation on my dh and then they re-introduced his own bone marrow back into his system, and we waited. Waited for days for him to grow new cells that were cancer free and for his body to make it through the procedures. It was a rough first few weeks. He had several infections although he was in isolation, he had a severe reaction to an antibiotic that almost killed him. In the midst of all this, my dh was transfused on June 1, and our ds was born on June 10th. I wasn't allowed at the hospital to pick him up until June 13th, so I was going to 2 different hospitals for a few days. I tried to spend as much time as possible with my dh, but he was as excited as I was to see our son. I truly think it's what gave him the extra energy to get through all the tough times.
On June 14th, I brought my ds to the hospital to meet his father, he saw him through the glass window of the sterilized unit he was living on. A week later, I was allowed to bring the baby in, and my dh got to hold him. He got better and better. By June 30th, my dh came home. I have the most adorable video of him changing his sons diaper for the first time ever! He ended up with desitin all over his hands, poop dropping out of the diaper, as I sat there and filmed, instructing him, and giggling my butt off! He got to be a much better diaper changer after that, but that is the most precious video ever!
I was lucky while all this was going on with my dh that I worked for a wonderful boss at AT&T. He had been going through the same thing with his MIL, so he knew what I was going through and let me have a lot of time off, let me work through my lunch to get off early etc. When my son came, there had just been a new contract with the union, and even though I adopted, I was allowed to take leave to be home with my newborn, which was great!
So that summer we played with our new baby as my dh got stronger. In October, I had to go back to work, my dh was still on leave but getting well, and he stayed home with the baby. In December, I found out I was getting laid off because all the jobs were moving south, so unless I wanted to move my family, I was out of a job. Well, that wasn't happening, so my dh felt he was well enough to go back to work, and he did, and I got to stay home with the baby. It was great, I collected UE for 18 months and stayed home with my son, while my dh went back to his full-time job, which he loved.
When my son was 2, I went back to work full-time. We put him in a wonderful daycare where they taught him french, and lots of other great things. That daycare closed when he was 2 1/2 so we put him into another, more expensive daycare, but it was also a learning daycare. This was when we learned that he couldn't sit still with the other kids, etc. His teacher, who I still keep in touch with, had done extensive studying on children with add/adhd and she thought he might be. So, we talked to the docs, had him tested, etc. And he was adhd. We tried numerous other things, taking away sugar, no food dye's etc. He wasn't a big sweet eater at all, so that wasn't hard, the food dyes, he'd not had a lot of that either. But we tried. Finally, when he was 3 1/2 and almost killed himself by running into traffic, we had to put him on something, because he was becoming out of control. It's been a long road with him and his adhd, but he's turned into a great kid who's only able to sit still with his medication. We're lucky in that he hasn't had any other problems healthwise, but I found out later that all his biological brothers and sisters all have adhd. They are all, also living in Foster care in PA, because their mother went on drugs and lost them all! He's the luckiest of the 6 children she brought into this world, living with the only family he's ever known and not being thrown around the system. What a shame for those children.
Anyway, I'd better post and go check on a few things. I guess I'm really a talker/typer!
Post #9 - 7-10-05
So, we lived a fairly normal life, husband worked, mom worked, baby that brought a joy to our life we'd never had. We thought we were out of the woods when the 2 year mark came and went with my DH's cancer and he was still clean! Sounds like an alcoholic! LOL
My dh worked his butt off at his job, but we still did the fun things like go "down the shore" with all our friends during the summer months. We had tons of friends due to my DH's interest in the "mummers", something usually only Philadelphians know about, but kept us busy all year long! In July/August of 2003, I came home for 3 weeks to see my mom and dad, I got back first week of August. My mom even said my son was hyperactive (he'd not been diagnosed yet!).
After that, things began to go downhill. Although my dh worked, he was getting weaker and weaker. We found out about October that his cancer was back. He worked the entire time, going almost daily to the cancer center getting chemo, transfusions, platelet transfusions, etc. There were several times when (I'm sorry this is gross, but true) his platelets were so low (they are for blood to clot) that he'd just start bleeding from his nose and we couldnt' stop it, we had to emergency him down the the hospital. We only ever called 911 once, in a snow storm, because they'd only take him to the closest hospital, which definitely didn't know how to take care of a cancer patient. By the time I got there, they'd stuffed something up his nose to try and make the bleeding stop, but they had no platelets to give him and he finally had to be transferred down to the Univ by ambulance to get those. It was horrible and he begged me to get him out of that first hospital.
So that winter he continued to get thinner, working full time. He had no choice, he'd used up all his long-term disability with his work. After work he'd head down to the Univ for blood or platelets. We got a huge snow storm about the 5th of January, then it froze over, and we had nothing about 30 degrees for almost a month, so nothing could thaw out. They closed all the schools for 3 weeks, but since he worked maintenance at a Jr High, and the school system was responsible for cleaning sidewalks etc, he had to work. His job consisted of hauling 80 lb bags of rock salt daily and dispersing it on the sidewalks, steps etc. He worked very hard that winter, all the time getting sicker and sicker. About the beginning of March, he got really sick and had to be hospitalized. He stayed there for about 2 weeks. He had some type of reaction to something and he blew up like a puffer fish. He was unrecognizable. The local hosp transferred him once again to the U of Pa. Aparently there was a tumor blocking something, they gave him a week of radiation and it went away, I don't remember every detail though. That was good and things looked up! And he came home and went back to work.
My dh worked his butt off at his job, but we still did the fun things like go "down the shore" with all our friends during the summer months. We had tons of friends due to my DH's interest in the "mummers", something usually only Philadelphians know about, but kept us busy all year long! In July/August of 2003, I came home for 3 weeks to see my mom and dad, I got back first week of August. My mom even said my son was hyperactive (he'd not been diagnosed yet!).
After that, things began to go downhill. Although my dh worked, he was getting weaker and weaker. We found out about October that his cancer was back. He worked the entire time, going almost daily to the cancer center getting chemo, transfusions, platelet transfusions, etc. There were several times when (I'm sorry this is gross, but true) his platelets were so low (they are for blood to clot) that he'd just start bleeding from his nose and we couldnt' stop it, we had to emergency him down the the hospital. We only ever called 911 once, in a snow storm, because they'd only take him to the closest hospital, which definitely didn't know how to take care of a cancer patient. By the time I got there, they'd stuffed something up his nose to try and make the bleeding stop, but they had no platelets to give him and he finally had to be transferred down to the Univ by ambulance to get those. It was horrible and he begged me to get him out of that first hospital.
So that winter he continued to get thinner, working full time. He had no choice, he'd used up all his long-term disability with his work. After work he'd head down to the Univ for blood or platelets. We got a huge snow storm about the 5th of January, then it froze over, and we had nothing about 30 degrees for almost a month, so nothing could thaw out. They closed all the schools for 3 weeks, but since he worked maintenance at a Jr High, and the school system was responsible for cleaning sidewalks etc, he had to work. His job consisted of hauling 80 lb bags of rock salt daily and dispersing it on the sidewalks, steps etc. He worked very hard that winter, all the time getting sicker and sicker. About the beginning of March, he got really sick and had to be hospitalized. He stayed there for about 2 weeks. He had some type of reaction to something and he blew up like a puffer fish. He was unrecognizable. The local hosp transferred him once again to the U of Pa. Aparently there was a tumor blocking something, they gave him a week of radiation and it went away, I don't remember every detail though. That was good and things looked up! And he came home and went back to work.
Post # 10 - 7-10-05
His work didn't last long, he kept getting sicker and sicker. He went back into the hospital several times for a day or two. He finally went in for about a week. When he came home on a Tues night he wanted a cigarette, he was barely strong enough to walk into the house, but made sure he could sit on the step and smoke with his friends. The next day we'd made arrangements for a home health aide to come in, thank goodness they did, because he was too weak to stand up and the guy had to help me get him back into his chair. He sat in his recliner for the next 2 days. I had ordered a hospital bed and oxygen. When we got him into the bed on Friday morning, I spoke with him about calling the Hospice people, which is what his doctor suggested. He asked me, "well isn't this hospice?", meaning the bed. I told him, that "no, this is just a bed and oxygen". He gave the ok for me to call them and set it up then. His cousin came by (his favorite cousin) and tried to give him a milkshake, but he didn't want anything. All his friends came by that last Thursday night, and he told them he didn't think he would make it to the "show of shows" (another mummer club thing) that year, which was happening that weekend.
His cousin left that Friday, crying. His parents decided to go back home to DE, 3 hours away, not sure why, but I think it's because they were totally unrealistic about things. They thought he'd get better again and had argued with me about planning a funeral that Friday. They went home. My dh and I were left alone that Friday night, I gave him his medication, we turned the tv on to watch something, he loved tv, and I fell asleep on the couch. My girlfriend had wanted to stay with me, but I sent her home, she had an instinct I guess. So, I fell asleep on the couch, about 1:30am I woke up and just instinctivly knew he was gone. I went over to him, he wasn't breathing. I turned off the oxygen and started to hold him and cry. He was still a bit warm, so he'd not been gone long. I wasn't sure what to do at that point, so I called the hospice nurse, who talked me through things. I then hung up with her, and called my girlfriend. She lived 15 minutes away, and was at my house within about 8 minutes. I was a basket case, but managed to call my IL's in DE. I don't know how, but my DH's cousin, his brother (who he didn't want to see b4 he died, long story there), my brother, who lived within 5 mins away and all his friends. Geez, this is harder than I thought to remember.
His cousin left that Friday, crying. His parents decided to go back home to DE, 3 hours away, not sure why, but I think it's because they were totally unrealistic about things. They thought he'd get better again and had argued with me about planning a funeral that Friday. They went home. My dh and I were left alone that Friday night, I gave him his medication, we turned the tv on to watch something, he loved tv, and I fell asleep on the couch. My girlfriend had wanted to stay with me, but I sent her home, she had an instinct I guess. So, I fell asleep on the couch, about 1:30am I woke up and just instinctivly knew he was gone. I went over to him, he wasn't breathing. I turned off the oxygen and started to hold him and cry. He was still a bit warm, so he'd not been gone long. I wasn't sure what to do at that point, so I called the hospice nurse, who talked me through things. I then hung up with her, and called my girlfriend. She lived 15 minutes away, and was at my house within about 8 minutes. I was a basket case, but managed to call my IL's in DE. I don't know how, but my DH's cousin, his brother (who he didn't want to see b4 he died, long story there), my brother, who lived within 5 mins away and all his friends. Geez, this is harder than I thought to remember.
I've been thinking about what I could do with my little corner of the world that nobody but me knows exists. I've always wanted to write, but never knew what to write. This is the place I can put it all down, and nobody knows me, and if anyone wants to critique it, they can, but I won't care what they say. I need to get creative in one aspect of my life, this is the new aspect of my life that I can keep private, yet, not so private.
Here goes...............
Deleted........trying something new.
Deleted..........trying something new.
I have a journal I've been writing in for some time. It's actually on a public site, and I'm not sure I want it all to be spread out there anymore.
I think that I needed to have someplace else to put my thoughts, and this might as well be the place! A lot of people are using it, and it seems like the right place for me.
I am waiting for my hubby to bring me home Korean food for dinner, so I'll keep my first post short.
